I did the grocery shopping today. Normally, this is a harmless way to kill a couple of hours and rather quickly drain my bank account buying household necessities. Today, however, things were different.
As I left the Uber-Mart, my cart piled high with bulk purchases, I was approached by a parking lot salesman. No, he wasn't trying to sell me a parking lot. Instead, he was trying to sell me some kind of spray-on car-wash-in-a-can that requires no water. But he was roaming the parking lot in his yellow polo shirt, probably hoping that I would overlook the creep factor and give a damn about his product.
Of course, he picked the wrong mama. Yes, I'm strapped for time and my car is in dire need of a wash, but I do not have time for asshats. And this guy? MAJOR ASSHAT.
Guy: Hello.
Me: [juggling fussy baby and giant packages of bulk freezer bags, Pull-Ups, etc.] Uh ...
Guy: Did you see the Car-Wash-in-a-Can display? I'd like to show you how it works. [sprays something on the side of my car BEFORE I CAN STOP HIM]
Me: [blinking incredulously] ...
Guy: Will you hold this? [Here is where he moves to hand me the can of spray-on car crap.]
Me: No, thank you.
Guy: I'm not trying to get you to buy it, I want you to hold it.
Me: [still blinking incredulously] I'm trying to get the baby in the car. [And, in my head: Do you NOT SEE the cart full of groceries which I am putting in the trunk of my car?] Can you wipe that off the car, please?
Guy: [wipes the stuff off the side of my car, after a stunned siilence which he spent looking at his two hands, because I don't think he knows how to use them both at the same time] Have a nice day. Thanks for being so kind.
Because I realized immediately that it wasn't worth it, I did not jump The Asshat. I'm not saying that he didn't deserve it. I mean, COME ON. Do NOT approach a single woman with a baby and a full grocery cart in a parking lot when it's one billion degrees outside and expect her to give a rat's ass how fast your cleaner works without water. I can hold a diaper bag, a crying baby, a two-year-old, and three grocery bags loaded with gallon jugs all at the same time. NO, I am not going to hold your 10-oz spray can so you can use both hands to polish an area the size of a phone book. Also? I'm not going to listen to your sales pitch when the baby is melting in his carseat because I haven't had a chance to turn on the air conditioner for him. If you were any kind of successful salesman at all, you would recognize my body language had gone from "not interested" to "threat level: imminent doom."
I'm just sayin'.
You know what? I was kind. The Parking Lot Salesman is extremely lucky I didn't bust out the bulk-size Gatorade and get all medieval on his ass. Homeboy might want to think about a career change.
In the words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."
Today is Dashing Husband's birthday. Because I love him, I bought him two CDs that were not the ones he asked for, and then I gave him a wedgie. Happy Birthday!!
Next time ask him to hold on while you get your phone out to call the COPS!!! That is unbelievable!!! Love, Mom
Posted by: Nana | July 17, 2008 at 05:46 AM