Useful Sayings I've Learned From My Mother (Now With Updates!!)

My mother is an intensely practical person, and I am reasonably sure she knows everything. She has been right an alarming number of times about an equally alarming number of things. The following are all phrases I remember from my childhood. Some read like advice, some read like jokes, and others are straight from the mouths of my grandparents.

Life's a bitch and then you die.

That went over like a turd in a punchbowl.

He didn't know whether to shit or go blind, so he closed one eye and farted.

I hate it for you.

Sit down and prop it up.

Shittin' in high cotton (a take on "life is good.").

You're killing me, Smalls.

Shit in one hand and want in the other and see which ones fills up the fastest.

What's it like to want?

You people (this one is a preface to any number of things, but usually ends with "are making me crazy"). 

This too shall pass.

I could be dead by then (this one usually followed a request to do something in the future, for example: "Mom, can we go swimming this weekend?" "I don't know, I could be dead by then.").

Save your money.

Kill 'em with kindness.

I love you.

*************NEW**NEW**NEW******************************

My sister submitted the following:

Love you like mad.

It ain't happening for you.

Sakaraminski (my mom usually uses this word as an exclamation, kind of like "WTF?!" or "OMG!", but I maintain that it is not a real word and that she totally made it up).

My aunt offered up the following, which I sadly have never heard my mother say, but which I personally will be looking for more opportunities to use:

It just makes my ass want a soda cracker.

God, that's brilliant. I wish I could figure out what it means.

Also:

That must be jelly 'cause jam don't shake like that.

Please, my dear readers, jump in, the catch-phrase water is warm. Got any good ones to share?

Comments

[Nana]

Oh my! I laughed until I cried! I do not know WHERE you come up with this stuff? Love you more than you know and just as proud, Yo Mama

[PANCAKE]

PERHAPS YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THIS ONE FROM YOUR GRANDMOTHER, IT JUST MAKES MY ASS WANT A SODA CRACKER. GO FIGURE?

[Jac]

You forgot love you like mad, socaraminski...I sounded that one out so do with it what you will, and when your daughter turns eleven you can let her go to the mall unsupervised but it aint happening for you!

[mamadaisy]

i have additional newfound respect for you both!

[PANCAKE]

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE FROM TUTU "IT MUST BE JELLY CAUSE JAM DON'T SHAKE LIKE THAT"

[Kryste]

oh geez I love Maudie! She is on my list of Top Five Great Moms. And I get mad at Jacqui when she says she's going to move away because that would mean I wouldn't see Nana anymore too.

Someone find out why asses would want a soda cracker!!

[PANCAKE]

THEY ARE ALL COMING TO ME NOW! wait for it wait for it SHIT FIRE AND SAVE MATCHES

[Katy]

How about: World by the ass on a downhill drag? Usually when talking about a cocky or clueless person.

and
What the hey Hiyra? Useful for a THOUSAND different uses.