At the Dada house, we sometimes play a game where we all pile on top of one another (sort of like when all the football players jump on that one guy holding the ball). Gus calls this the "family pile," which I think is the best name ever. When things get particularly silly and we're all laughing in a pile, Gus calls it the "family pile nuthouse."
Truer words have never been spoken, friends. We do indeed live in a nuthouse. I mean, you'd have to be crazy to think that a two-year-old and a four-year-old would go to sleep nicely in separate beds--that just happen to be in the same room.
Last night's bedtime recap:
6:25 pm: Mother mentions to the children that because they are both exhausted screaming little husks of people that bedtime will be in thirty minutes. Mother also mentions to the husband that said exhausted screaming little husks need some quiet play to help them wind down. She suggests blocks. Husband and children opt for a game of catch.
6:26 pm: Husband and oldest child begin throwing a football around the room.
6:27 pm: Youngest child is crying because there is only one football and his brother has it.
6:28 pm: Youngest child is happy again because he has found a beach ball, which he commences hurling across the room to his father, who obligingly tosses it back.
6:29 pm: Oldest child decides that throwing the ball is just not Getting It Done. The best way to really put a spin on it is with your foot. Oldest child kicks the football across the room, knocking over a framed picture of himself.
6:30 pm: Oldest child is laid out on the floor and crying because he has just been told by Husband that no, you cannot kick the ball in the house. Youngest child is jumping up and down.
6:31 pm: Oldest child has stopped crying and is now simply pouting. In an impressive dislplay of anger, he hops across the room on his knees and sticks out his lower lip. Youngest child has tired of ball throwing and is now wrestling his father.
6:32 pm: Youngest child has just announced that his father is a "horsey" and needs to "give him a ride." Oldest child has found his sword and knight helmet and is wildly slashing the air yelling "shing!shing!" and "wa-ping!"
6:33 pm: Mother mentions again that bedtime IS SOON and reminds everyone (nicely) that it is TIME TO CALM THE *&%# DOWN. (She didn't use the curse word. But she wanted to.)
6:35 pm: Oldest child is still slashing the air with his plastic sword. Youngest child has decided that horsey time is over and has instead opted for climbing on his father's back.
6:36 pm: Oldest child puts his shield on his back and announces that it's his "sliding board" for "sliding down mountains." Following youngest child's example, he climbs on his father's back, but then adds a twist: he attempts to slide down his father, luge-style, on his shield.
6:40 pm: Husband announces it is time to calm down. Oldest and youngest child start suggesting other activities. Oldest child suggests: painting, computer games, and practicing ninja moves. Youngest child backs him up.
6:41 pm: Parents exercise veto power and suggest that the children play a "quiet" game, such as Not Talking or perhaps Sleeping.
6:42 pm: Children protest and a compromise is reached. The committee agrees to play cars.
6:43 pm: Children rush down the hallway into the bedroom, and then emerge with 1,462 cars each. Cars are brought into the kitchen because they drive better on the linoleum.
6:44 pm: Youngest child lines his cars up and announces that "they're home." Oldest child decides to hold a few races.
6:45 pm: Peace reigns. Parents breathe a sigh of relief.
6:55 pm: Mother tells the children that it is time to put the cars away and brush teeth. Shockingly, the children do as they're told.
7:05 pm: Children make their way into the bedroom, freshly brushed, washed, and pottied. Oldest child and Husband read a book about dinosaurs, while youngest child and Mother read Elmo's Mother Goose.
7:20 pm: Stories are read, lights are turned out, and parents are snuggling with the children.
7:21 pm: Oldest child loudly asks his father, "when can my mom snuggle?" Youngest child asks, "get up?"
7:22 pm: Oldest child asks again when his mom can snuggle. Youngest child kicks off his sheet and demands water.
7:23 pm: Oldest child asks again about snuggling with his mom. Husband is starting to lose patience. Youngest child demands water, binky, and Woody the Cowboy.
7:24 pm: Youngest child begins fooling with his pillow. Mother asks him to stop it.
7:25 pm: Mother takes pillow from youngest child because he is driving her crazy. Youngest child begins to cry.
7:26 pm: Oldest child is now complaining that crying of youngest child is keeping him awake. His words: "He is keeping me up ALL NIGHT." Mother gives youngest child his pillow back. He stops crying.
7:27 pm: Mother is reaching her boiling point, so she kisses the children and leaves the room.
7:30 pm: It is still quiet. Mother dares to hope that the children have drifted off.
7:35 pm: Children are giggling. Husband goes down the hallway and tells them all to get back in bed. He comes back and reports that youngest child was standing by oldest child's bed, and oldest child was doing a dance.
7:36 pm: Youngest child makes his way down the hallway. Husband finds him and takes him back to his bed, where he promptly loses his shit because his Father is not his Mother.
7:38 pm: Youngest child is out of bed again. Mother takes him by the hand back down the hallway ands tucks him back in. She resists the urge to run screaming into the night.
7:39 pm: Youngest child out of bed again.
7:39 and 1/2 pm: Youngest child out of bed again.
13 nanoseconds later: Youngest child out of bed again. Mother considers the possibility that she has birthed a mutant who can walk through walls.
7:40 pm: Youngest child out of bed again. Oldest child thrashing about in his bed, demanding that Mother snuggle with him while she attempts to nail youngest child firmly to mattress.
7:41 pm: Mother threatens oldest child with death and/or loss of cartoons the next day.
7:42pm: Oldest child is wailing because he has indeed lost cartoons. Mother is proud of herself because she went with the more humane punishment. Youngest child is crying because Mother has just refused to sleep in his bed with him.
7:43 pm: The children are crying. The battle is reaching a crescendo, and the mother considers taking up drinking as her new hobby.
7:46 pm: All is quiet, except for muted sniffling as the children finally give in. The Mother dares to hope that this time it is for real.
7:55 pm: The children are asleep.
7:56 pm: The mother tells her husband that victory is theirs. Husband comments that at least they fell asleep by 8 pm. Mother wonders if putting them to bed by 6:00 would ensure they were asleep by 7:30? Parents laugh until they cry at preposterous notion.
Recent Comments